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Michael Phelps had 18 Olympic gold medals before he ever asked anyone for help. That stopped me in my tracks.
I recently had the opportunity to hear Michael Phelps speak at the 2026 WellSky New Horizons CareForum conference in Dallas. Most of us know his story through the medals, the records and the moments we watched on television. But what he shared from the stage had very little to do with swimming.
For years, he said, he did what a lot of strong people learn to do: compartmentalize.
He would spend four years building toward one moment. Train. Compete. Stand on the podium. Then come down from that high and struggle in ways the people watching him could not see.
When he looked in the mirror, he said he saw a swimmer. A cap and goggles. He did not see a person with feelings who might need help.
In 2014, that finally changed. “Something needs to change. I need help.” Phelps said it was the first time in his life he had truly asked for help. He jokes now that he did not learn how to communicate until he was 30 years old.
Why did it take so long? Because at the highest level of competition, he had learned that showing weakness could give someone else an advantage. So he carried everything himself. For years. Sitting there listening to him, I kept thinking about conversations I have had around kitchen tables throughout St. Louis and St. Charles over the last 15 years.
The circumstances are very different, but the words can sound remarkably similar when speaking with family caregivers and what’s at stake.
“I should be able to handle this. She’s my mother.”
“If I bring in home care, it means I gave up.”
“My brother thinks I’m overreacting.”
“I promised Dad I would take care of him.”
So family Caregivers keep carrying it.
They rearrange work schedules. They answer the phone at 2 a.m. They make meals, manage appointments, stop by after work, check medications, do the laundry and worry about whether Mom is safe when they leave. Then they go home and try to be a spouse, a parent, an employee, a friend and everything else life still expects them to be.
They tell themselves they can handle it. Until something gives.
Often, the person who reaches a breaking point first is not the person receiving care. It is the family Caregiver trying to do all of it alone.
Family Caregiver Burnout Often Starts Before a Family Asks for Home Care
One of the hardest parts of caregiving is knowing when it is time to ask for help. Families often wait until they are exhausted, missing work, losing sleep or constantly worried about whether their loved one is safe at home.
After 15 years and more than 6,000 families, I have learned something about timing. I have heard many families tell me, “I wish we had called sooner.” I cannot remember a family telling me they asked for help too early. That does not mean every family needs full-time in-home care.
Sometimes support means a few hours of respite care so a daughter can go to dinner with her husband without checking her phone every five minutes. Sometimes it means transportation to appointments. Sometimes it is help with meals, laundry, bathing, medication reminders or safely getting around the home. Sometimes it simply means having another trusted person there so the family does not feel like everything rests on one set of shoulders.
The goal of home care is not to replace the family. It is to help the family keep being a family.
In-Home Care Can Help Families Stay Present, Not Just Keep Up
Phelps shared something else that stayed with me. He talked about his four boys and said that if he is not in the right place mentally when the morning starts, they do not leave the house in the right place either. Everyone feels it.
The same thing happens in family caregiving. Your mom may not say anything when you walk through the door exhausted. Your dad may never tell you he notices that you are missing work, losing sleep or becoming overwhelmed. But our loved ones know us. They can often feel when we are stretched too thin.
Asking for help at home does not mean you are giving up on your Mom, Dad, Spouse.
It may be exactly how you make sure the person who walks through her door tomorrow is you. Rested. Present. Patient. Able to sit down and have a cup of coffee instead of immediately looking around for the next thing that needs to be done.
That matters.
Seeking Respite Care and Home Care Support Doesn’t Mean You’ve Given Up
There is a strange expectation many of us put on ourselves when someone we love needs care.
We think love should somehow give us unlimited capacity. It does not.
You can deeply love your mother and still need respite care. You can want your father to remain safely and comfortably at home and still need another set of hands. You can be an incredible son, daughter, spouse or Caregiver and still say, “I can’t do all of this myself.”
In fact, sometimes that is the strongest thing you can say.
Phelps put it simply: “If you are struggling, reach out to somebody. Don’t let it marinate inside of you any longer.”
That advice reaches far beyond mental health. I think it applies to anyone quietly carrying more than they can sustain.
Where Family Caregivers Can Turn for Help
Call a friend. Call your doctor. If you are caring for someone living with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900.
And if you are wondering whether in-home care, dementia care, respite care or a little extra support at home could make life easier for your family, call us. Ask questions. Tell us what is happening. You do not need to know exactly what kind of home care your family needs before you pick up the phone.
Sometimes the first step is simply starting the conversation.
For families in St. Louis, St. Charles County, DuPage County and the surrounding communities, Assistance Home Care can help you understand what support at home might look like and whether it makes sense for your situation.
Your parents or loved ones probably spent much of their life asking for help on behalf of everybody else.
If they could see how much you are carrying right now, I have a feeling they would tell you the same thing.
Make the call.
Allen Serfas is President and Co-Founder of Assistance Home Care, a family-owned provider of non-medical in-home care serving families throughout Greater St. Louis, St. Charles County and Chicagoland. Assistance Home Care was founded in 2011 with a simple, yet profound Mission: “When Moving Isn’t An Option…™ We are committed to honoring one’s wishes to stay at home and enrich the journey of aging with compassion, dignity and respect.”
